


Now I Call You Home

by ayerlind



Series: I Could Live a Little More [14]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Aftercare, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Bratting, Collars, Dom/sub, Fluff and Angst, Harry Winks - Freeform, Jan Vertonghen - Freeform, Jinks, M/M, Morning Cuddles, Oral Sex, POV: Harry, Rough Sex, Tottenham Hotspur FC - Freeform, gagging
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:48:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28327812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayerlind/pseuds/ayerlind
Summary: After the enormous emotional fallout of the "Dries incident", Harry can't help feeling like even the stability that his relationship with Jan did have was starting to slip from his fingers... but maybe there's a way for him to strengthen that bond again that he hadn't even considered yet.
Relationships: Jan Vertonghen/Harry Winks
Series: I Could Live a Little More [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621807
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	1. I Was Lost At Sea, You Were An Island

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from the song ['Automatic' by Castro](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coDLLGzXS1k).
> 
> Make sure you've read about said "Dries incident" in [Crazy For You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25774003) before tackling this one. 😁 Enjoy!

Early November 2019

Hampstead

  
  


“Harry!”

Harry’s eyes snapped open and he leapt about ten foot into the air. He’d come over to Jan’s for dinner and a sleepover - a little piece of normality that had finally been restored after the somewhat extended fallout over the ‘Dries incident’ two weeks prior. After eating, Jan and Sophie took the kids upstairs for baths, and Harry had stretched out on the couch to watch the highlights of a tennis match that he’d missed earlier. The lovely silence was nearly enough to send Harry into a light doze - but obviously they were done now, because an expectant-looking four-year-old in Tiana pyjamas was standing beside the couch, grinning sweetly and clutching several sheets of printer paper and a box of coloured pencils to her chest. 

Harry let his head fall heavily back onto the throw pillow he’d stuffed under it, but he had no power against a Vertonghen deploying puppy eyes.

Thus, he found himself being led imperiously to the kitchen and directed towards a seat at the breakfast table. A soft breeze whispered through as he sat, making him shiver and alerting him that the back door was open. He got back up to close it, but then he heard Jan laugh from outside, and his stomach did a warm little flip. It was a low, sweet chuckle, almost sultry, a sound that made an automatic smile come to Harry’s face. The next thing that Jan said, however, was actually audible. 

“Yes, sir... no, I know I deserve to be punished for touching Toby’s collar.” He sighed heavily, but his voice had the hint of a smirk in it. “It’s just so much bigger than mine and he has a _lot_ more trouble being still, no? Sometimes it’s just an accident-- well, no, sir...”

Suddenly, Harry was a little less inclined to close the door. He knew it was wrong to listen, obviously... but his curiosity had been stirred to life. Jan was speaking quietly; even standing right by the door, Harry wasn’t catching everything being said, so he wasn’t at all worried about Jan’s voice traveling into the kitchen. It was so tempting to just hang out right there for a minute or two and learn a little. 

His conscience was in luck, however, with Leyla’s constant stream of observations and questions drowning Jan out completely, making it impossible for Harry to eavesdrop. He slid the door until it was only open a crack, then sat down heavily, toying with a coloured pencil and listening to Leyla with half an ear while he kept one eye on the door, his mind whirling.

 _Collars?_

It wasn’t that he’d never heard of the concept. Sure, he was young and new to the lifestyle, but he’d seen things on the internet, or on TV or in movies; he wasn’t ignorant. He had just... never considered Jan in a collar.

It was a rather hot thought - or would have been, without the flashing neon reminder of Jan belonging to Paulo, of Jan being involved with Toby, and of Harry having no real idea where he fit into that arrangement or whether he did at all, or whether anybody even _wanted_ him to fit there.

And oh, _that_ took his mind down dark roads that he never asked to go down. With everything else plaguing his mind lately, did he really have time to fret over whether Jan put such a disparate amount of value on his relationships that he would keep Harry at arm’s length for no other reason than if Toby or Paulo wanted him to? 

Nope. Definitely not.

He refocused with a shake of his head, trying to clear it, and he concentrated as hard as he could on his drawing of a jungle for Leyla’s drawing of a dinosaur to live in - or to destroy, Harry wasn’t quite sure which. And as it turned out, it didn’t matter for long - Sophie came to collect her only about ten minutes after they sat down, which of course left Leyla distraught that they couldn’t finish their pictures. 

“Hey,” Harry said, kneeling down. He waited until her wide, wet eyes gazed back at him, then he grinned brightly. “I’ll come back over first thing in the morning, okay? Let’s finish them after breakfast.” 

She accepted it readily, since Harry “coming over first thing in the morning” was a pretty regular occurrence, and once they went upstairs, Harry occupied himself by putting all of the pencils back into their box and straightening up the papers, leaving the two drawings where they were so that Jan could see his daughter’s work. He dropped his empty bottle in the recycling and fetched another cider out of the fridge, planning on going back into the living room - but when he turned around, Jan was watching him from across the room, and Harry almost dropped the bottle. 

“Hey,” Jan said, grinning at how he jumped. He was off the phone and standing over the breakfast table, amusement on his face as he surveyed the two drawings. “They’re very nice. Who did which one?” 

Harry gave him a good-natured glare. “Wanker.”

“Not when you stay over, hmm?” Jan said, winking. Harry blushed, but he kept up his glare until Jan gave him a cute little pout. “Okay, baby, I’m sorry. It’s a nice tree.”

“Innit?” He grinned at the silly victory, going to Jan’s side and looking down at the pieces of art. “I mean, it was meant to be a whole jungle, but we didn’t have time.” He raised his cider to his lips, but Jan plucked the bottle out of his hand and took a long drink from it himself. “Hey!” protested Harry.

“Hi.” Jan said. He kissed Harry swiftly, and Harry had no choice but to melt against him, tasting honey and apple and best of all, Jan. When Jan pulled back, Harry’s head was swimming a little. It must have shown on his face, because Jan chuckled wickedly. “Mmm. I like this cider.”

Harry had enough presence of mind to reclaim it before Jan could get any bright ideas, draining several large mouthfuls without breaking eye contact. “Yeah, me too.” 

Jan laughed and rolled his eyes. He took the bottle and set it on the table, then lifted Harry clean off his feet, setting him next to it. There was a beautiful flash of impish grin, and then Jan kissed Harry soundly, his hands soft against Harry’s waist. Harry wasted no time, wrapping his arms loosely around Jan’s shoulders, fingers greedily running through his hair. He used his legs to pull Jan closer, trapping them against each other as the kiss slowly got more heated. They were lost in each other for several long minutes until the heat simmered down to warm enjoyment, little kisses and whispers and laughs exchanged between them.

Until Jan yawned. 

“Oh my god, really?” teased Harry. He had just begun kissing on Jan’s neck, and now lifted his head up with a theatrical pout. “That bad, am I?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jan said, deadpan. “Monotonous, that’s what it is. Can we go watch some paint dry instead?”

Harry went for the ribs, making Jan let out a most undignified squawk as he squirmed away. Sliding down from his perch on the table, Harry struck again once he was on his feet, but he didn’t have the balance yet to handle the way that Jan wriggled like a fish, because he ended up stumbling legitimately - right into Jan’s arms. 

“Perfect,” Jan said, grinning at him, as if that had been his plan all along. Harry let out a long-suffering sigh, allowing Jan to throw an arm over his shoulders and steer him toward the lounge.

They spent the next couple of hours wrapped up in each other on the couch, mostly watching telly. It wasn’t long after they landed that Sophie came down from handling bedtime, and Harry gave her a genuine smile when she came in, finding himself feeling - despite everything that had been going on lately - completely unthreatened by her presence. 

He supposed things had never been very tense between them to begin with, though. Even before Harry had any indication that things were possible with Jan, he had never quite been jealous of her for having him. Maybe because she was there first; Harry had spent years infatuated with Jan before Paulo ever showed up, and Toby... well, Harry’d been infatuated with Jan since before Toby came to Spurs, at least. It had been a little humbling for him to later find out just how long they’d actually been such close friends, but the point stood - he’d spent years lusting after a married man, fantasising about some wild arrangement where Sophie would share him. Now, by some amazing series of events that Harry still couldn’t quite believe had transpired, here they were, doing just that. So he had, in a way, been prepared for this part. 

But he hadn’t had nearly as much time to come to terms with sharing with Paulo and Toby - or with Dries. 

Sophie took the other side of the couch, kissed Jan’s cheek, and pulled out her phone, immediately getting lost in a book, as she usually did during this post-bedtime stretch of ‘adult time’. She held her phone with one hand and Jan’s hand in the other, while Harry remained tucked up against Jan’s other side, his head on Jan’s chest while Jan’s arm rested securely around his shoulders, fingers sweeping idly against Harry’s upper arm. 

Harry smiled and nuzzled closer, warm and content. 

Hours later, when the sun was barely even beginning to consider rising, something yanked Harry about halfway out of a dead sleep. He woke with a start and lifted his fairly fuzzy-feeling head from Jan’s chest, which continued to rise and fall just as steadily as ever as Harry blinked into the near-darkness. Harry didn’t actually hear anything other than Jan’s deep breathing, though, and his brows furrowed as he wondered what had woken him.

From down the hallway, a little voice shouted, “Mama?” for what, going by its tearfully impatient tone, wasn’t the first time. “Papa!”

Harry dropped his head again with a groan. “Jan.”

Jan didn’t stir. 

“Jan,” he grumbled, nuzzling against him, nudging gently at Jan’s chest with his face. “Kid.” He was too tired to know which one, they were both... high-pitched. He wiggled a little to try to rouse him. “Hey. Jan.”

He got a disgruntled little noise out of him with that, at least, but nothing coherent, and all Jan did was squirm a little, gathering Harry more tightly in his arms before he settled back down with a deep sigh. Harry smiled despite his grogginess, tipping his head back to look at Jan, and gave up on his valiant attempts to wake him when he saw Jan’s slack, peaceful face, his lips slightly parted, eyelashes long and dark against his freckled skin. He’d be awoken soon enough, whether he wanted to be or not - Harry didn’t need to bring it about sooner than that. Or maybe Sophie would get up and handle it; selfish though it was, that was certainly Harry’s preference.

A welcome stretch of silence let Harry give in to his body’s demands for more sleep, his eyes closing, his mind drifting, his limbs feeling heavy once again as he sank back into Jan’s embrace. 

Just then, however, the door rattled with the pounding of small fists. _“Ilay blift huilen,”_ shouted Leyla, sounding exceptionally grumpy. 

Harry leapt out of his skin and Jan woke with a yelp, somehow nearly clocking Harry in the face with a jerk of his arm. Harry whined at him wordlessly, then groaned, burying his face against Jan’s neck. “I tried to tell you,” he grumbled, voice barely intelligible against Jan’s skin. 

“Fuck off.” Jan’s voice was no more than a gravelly rasp. He kissed Harry’s forehead, then slid out of bed, leaving Harry pouting as he squirmed over a little, nestling down into the nice Jan-sized warm spot left behind. 

It didn’t take long for him to drift off again, but it seemed like he’d only just done it when the bed dipped, stirring him back awake with a soft smile. Jan had gone around the other side of the bed and gotten in, and he wrapped himself around Harry, spooning against him from chest to thighs. 

Harry pressed back against him - not in any particular kind of way, just to feel him there, solid and warm and comforting. “Welcome back. That was quick.”

“Diaper,” mumbled Jan, apparently too tired for full sentences. “C’mere. More cuddling, less talking.” There was a smile in Jan’s voice despite the grogginess, and Harry laughed softly, nestling down in his arms, closing his eyes and feeling sleep slowly closing in on him once more. 

_“Ik kan nu niet slapen! Ik heb honger, Papa.”_

Both men jerked awake again at the rattle of the door and the voice from right outside, and this time Jan swore extensively into the pillow. “I can’t wait until she’s old enough to get her own breakfast,” he rumbled as he pushed the covers away. 

Harry managed a disconsolate noise, rolling over to grab him before he could go anywhere. “No, wait...”

Jan allowed himself to be held back, and Harry clung to him, giving him an extra tight squeeze around the middle before he released him. Jan laughed softly and slouched back down enough to kiss his forehead. “I’ll be back,” he promised, and then he slipped away before Harry could come up with something else cute enough to stop him.

Harry sighed and closed his eyes again, but he’d been dragged back to wakefulness so many times by now that he really had no luck in getting his body to accept sleep again. With a sigh, he rolled onto his back and adjusted his morning semi with a grumpy noise - it could have been Jan’s hand on his dick if they hadn’t been so rudely awakened. 

As he lay there in the silent, dim blue light of pre-dawn, the first thing that his foggy brain decided to do was recall the little snippet of conversation he’d overheard the previous night: as part of their submission, Jan and Toby wore _collars._ Jan, his Dom, locked into something that signified someone else’s control over him. 

He’d seen Jan submit to Paulo before. It was over the summer, the night that Jan had come over to confess that the desire Harry had for him was mutual. Of course, this wasn’t until after Harry had made a total arse of himself, drunkenly throwing himself at Jan without even thinking. Embarrassed and defensive, he fought with Jan about it, pushing him and pushing him until Jan slapped him - an action that woke desires in both of them that neither had expected. For Jan, that desire was to dominate Harry - which was where Paulo’s... demonstration... came in. 

Harry could never forget the image of Jan sinking to his knees, sucking Paulo’s dick, submitting to him right there in the middle of Harry’s living room, neither of them displaying an ounce of modesty about it. 

It had been intense, and it had definitely shown Harry a thing or two that he hadn’t known - but the idea of a collar was beginning to sink its teeth into him. It was such an odd thought, but Harry couldn’t help squirming at the mental image of it. He loved the thought of something physical that reinforced the ‘being good/being bad’ dynamic of their kind of relationship. Jan quite liked to punish him, and Harry in turn absolutely lived for giving him reasons to do it. It was unbelievably hot, commanding Jan’s attention that intensely, and the punishments were almost always something that Harry found thrilling anyway. 

_I wonder what Jan’s collar looks like on him._

At that thought, Harry definitely felt _something_ stir inside him. The thought of a dark leather strap standing out against Jan’s beautiful pale skin was a lovely one - as long as he didn’t think too deeply about the meaning behind it - and it made him wonder... would Jan feel the same about the idea of Harry wearing one? 

He rolled over to grab his phone from the bedside table, then settled onto his back again, holding it above him. He went right to Reddit, quite sure that he would be able to find at least one thread somewhere that would satisfy his curiosity. It didn’t take long for him to find an entire subreddit, actually - and he began to scroll. 

_Looking for beginner collar and leash advice please_

_[SHARING THREAD] Want something cute for my gf/little, can I see your collars?_

_Anyone open to sharing details of their collaring ceremony? Need ideas_

_24/7 locking collar help!_

His eyes flicked over the irrelevant thread titles in between the ones about collars, and as he kept going, the post topics started to show him just how much about this lifestyle he had left to learn about - and how much about this lifestyle he wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to learn about. Posts about blood play, choking... he almost wanted to stop reading, but he really couldn’t. It was fascinating, and even though he would never want to do most of the more intense things that he saw referenced, he couldn’t help picturing Jan subjecting him to some of these darker desires every time he passed a new one. 

He tapped on one of the threads, relatably titled _‘[24m/sub] Collars - where do I even begin?? Total noob, need advice!’_ and chewed anxiously on his lower lip while it loaded. 

_‘hello all! I’m in NY and my Sir is having to stay in florida for 4 months on a work trip, and He wants to collar me before He goes. He wants me to help pick it out so that He knows w/o a doubt that it’s something I love but where do I start?? There are too many sites w too many options and it’s really overwhelming, any advice would be great thanks everybody! :)”_

Harry scrolled down through the replies. There were a few snarky ones - _“the internet lol”_ \- and some unappealing ones - _“a pet store! You’d be surprised what they have”_ \- but several people had dropped links and legitimate recommendations, mentioning things like quality and customer service.

Feeling a little ball of anxiety grow inside him, like he was taking some huge step into unknown territory, Harry tapped on one of them.

It took approximately thirty seconds for him to go from nervous to tingling with excitement over the prospect of having something special like this that signified Jan’s control over him. He hadn’t quite known what to expect when he went to the website, but it definitely wasn’t anything like the wide variety of beautiful leatherwork that he discovered. There was hardware ranging from matte black to rose gold, not to mention a huge selection of cheeky tags and cute charms. There were thin and dainty collars, sturdy and thick ones, ones made of leather, some that were just chains, some that had big padlocks, some where the locks were nearly invisible... he could see why the person who posted that Reddit thread got overwhelmed so easily. 

The more he scrolled through them, the more Harry let himself get lost in the increasingly arousing idea of having one of these for himself. The idea of Jan slipping it lovingly around his neck, looking down at him with those gorgeous eyes, locking it there, marking Harry as _his,_ claiming him on a brand new level.

Not that Harry could imagine a world where he was capable of belonging even _more_ to Jan; he hadn’t had eyes for anyone else in years. His heart had been Jan’s since long before they got together. 

He tapped and scrolled and tapped and scrolled. On this website alone, there were a good two dozen categories of collars to look through. There was an option to search by style, by colour, by purpose. There were some that he eliminated easily - the thick leather ones seemed like they would be too uncomfortable, but he didn’t like the idea of plain, cold chains, either. He skipped the ones with lace, with bells, with giant, obvious padlocks. Figuring out what he _didn’t_ want was turning out to be easier than figuring out what he did want. 

He frowned. If he pictured himself wearing a collar, what did he even see? 

“Bored yet?”

Harry jumped a mile before he laughed, hoping he wasn’t blushing too much as he looked over his shoulder. Jan had slipped through the door, arms crossed over his white v-neck, an impish grin on his face. He was wearing loose grey shorts, his hair was still a mess from sleep, his eyes bright with mirth. He looked beautiful, soft, the perfect picture of a lazy Sunday morning, and Harry wanted to pounce on him. 

So he did, dropping his phone on the pillow for the time being, rolling out of bed, and bounding over to Jan. Jan caught him easily with a grin, scooping him right up as if he weighed nothing. Harry wrapped his legs around Jan’s waist and his arms around his neck, and nuzzled happily against Jan’s skin. He fluttered his eyelashes, laughing when the butterfly kisses made Jan giggle. “Well, I _was_ getting dangerously close,” Harry said, kissing his neck, “but not anymore.”

“Good.” Jan kissed him sweetly, then locked the door behind him, smiling slyly. “I would be a terrible host if my guest had to pass the morning alone and bored, so I dropped the kids off in the other room with Sophie after breakfast so that I could make sure you weren’t suffering too much.”

Harry smiled. It wasn’t that the kids didn’t know or adore Harry - they did, on both counts. The first time that Leyla had shrieked with glee upon seeing him walk through the door and sprinted over to grab his hand and drag him to the playroom to show him any number of her favourite things, he’d just about burst with pride at having won her over so completely. Especially when he saw the mixture of tenderness and surprise on Jan’s face as he looked down at his daughter. 

But still, he often dreamed of a day that, just maybe, he could come downstairs in the morning after spending the night, hand-in-hand with Jan, and it would be completely normal. 

“How thoughtful,” murmured Harry. “Does Leyla really never ask why she sleeps in there sometimes?”

“She did once, but we just pretend it’s because I ‘snore like a big tiger.’”

Harry pulled away from his neck, arching an eyebrow at him. “Pretend,” he repeated innocently. “Right.”

Jan’s jaw dropped and he barked out a laugh. “Oh, I am going to get you for that.” Suddenly Harry found himself being dumped onto the bed, and he squealed when he landed and bounced. Jan tipped forward once Harry landed, escalating his squeal into breathless giggles when Jan caught himself on his hands only just before impact. 

Jan laughed softly, looking down at him. Harry was trapped under him, his whole body tingling with want, with need, and he looked pleadingly up at Jan, visions of collars flashing through his mind. Jan gave him a sharp grin, then dipped down the rest of the way and captured him in a hungry kiss, far more urgent than the one they’d shared at the door. Harry moaned softly, muffled by Jan’s mouth sealed over his own, interrupted by Jan’s tongue sliding against his, flicking about and claiming every inch of his mouth before it moved on. 

“Jan...” sighed Harry. He tipped his head back as Jan started to mouth his way down Harry’s throat, nipping at his skin along the way. Once he got low enough that virtually any shirt would cover it, he slowed down, sucking little marks into his skin, making Harry squirm at the little prickles of pressure and pleasure whenever he moved on to a new one. 

“I love marking you up like this,” Jan rumbled. The words lit Harry’s whole body on fire and he whined out a moan, pressing his head back into the mattress. “Doesn’t matter if no one else can see them.” He slid backwards a little as his attentions kept wandering southward, fingertips joining his lips and teeth in their journey across Harry’s ribs, his abs, the dips of his hips. “Only that I know they’re there. That _you_ know they’re there. And I could rip off your shirt any time and show the world.” Jan had reached the waistband of Harry’s pyjama bottoms now, and Harry tried hard not to squirm, watching through heavy-lidded eyes as Jan caught the drawstring between his teeth, giving it a tug to untie it. “But I don’t. Because you’re _mine._ Close your eyes.” 

Harry gasped as a sharp sting blossomed on his hip - Jan’s teeth sinking into him, making his dick throb, his heart race, his blood burn. 

“Yours,” sighed Harry. When it came to Jan, there wasn’t another word that existed in the entire English language. “All yours... sir...”

Harry opened his eyes as Jan raised his head, and Harry watched the fire spark in his eyes. 

Jan slid the rest of the way off of the bed, onto his knees, and took Harry’s pyjama bottoms with him, leaving them bunched around his ankles. In the next moment, he took Harry into his mouth, swallowing him down all at once, pressing his tongue against the underside of the head of Harry’s dick, and sucking hard enough that Harry saw stars. 

When Harry opened his mouth, whatever breath he had in him came out in a whimper. _“God..._ Jan...”

Jan didn’t respond with anything other than his eyes, a smirk still twinkling in their cerulean depths. There was something unbelievably hot about Jan staring up at him, lips stretched around Harry’s cock even as one hand traveled, brushed over Harry’s thighs and down to gently cup his balls, drawing a moan out of him that he had to clench his jaw around, not wanting to be loud enough to be heard anywhere else in the house.

Jan seemed to know, and he pulled off, wrapping one hand around Harry’s cock, keeping the same rhythm over the slick skin as he had with his mouth, and he nipped Harry gently on the inner thigh, making him hiss in pain through his teeth. “If you can’t be good,” Jan rumbled, both eyebrows raised up at him, “you know what I have to do, no?”

Harry did know, and as hot as it was, as much as he loved when Jan drove him so wild that he had to gag Harry with whatever happened to be at hand, he didn’t want Jan to stop for _anything_. “Yes, sir,” he breathed. He pressed his lips together, breathing out shakily through his nose.

Jan gave one perfunctory nod, then dipped his head down again and kissed the head of Harry’s cock before he went down on it again. Harry knew that he wasn’t exactly as blessed as some people when it came to size, and it wasn’t like he was self-conscious about it or particularly cared, really, but it was still amazing to him that Jan could take the whole thing all the way to the back of his throat like that, enveloping Harry in a warmth that spread through his whole body like a brush fire. 

Then Jan pulled his mouth off just enough to slide his lips down Harry’s shaft until he could pay some attention a little further down, while his hand kept a steady rhythm up and down his shaft. Harry just about arched up off the bed, feeling the tickle of Jan’s tongue against his scrotum, light licks all over his balls until Jan guided one into his mouth with his tongue. 

“Fuck...ah, fucking hell. Jan, god, you’re going to _kill_ me,” he managed to say, his voice mostly a cross between a whimper and a sigh. Jan played with one while he sucked gently on the other, then switched, his touch somehow both soft and firm at once. “I love the way you do that.”

The vibration of Jan’s low, satisfied noise rumbled all the way up through Harry until it came out as his own soft moan, and he closed his eyes as he tipped his head back, his whole body quivering from the effort it took not to squirm. A new sensation joined the bliss; it felt like Jan had worked a finger into his mouth alongside, still caressing Harry’s skin even in the wet heat.

The extra sensation disappeared, leaving just the feeling of Jan’s mouth, and then suddenly Jan’s finger, slick with saliva, slipped inside of him. 

Harry gasped and writhed, trying to push down and drive it deeper, unable to contain himself as a tiny moan escaped him - but before Jan could even do anything about it, he reached blindly off to the side and grabbed a corner of the rumpled duvet, stuffing it between his teeth and biting down. Just as he did, Jan’s finger went further, and now that he could safely do so, he finally let out the throaty moan that had been trying to burst out of his chest.

Much to Harry’s dismay, Jan abruptly abandoned his balls, his dick, _and_ his hole, leaving him feeling empty and desperate. Harry’s whine was muffled by the duvet, but only for as long as it took Jan to snatch it out of his mouth, sealing his lips over Harry’s and swallowing down his noises of protest.

 _“Not_ your job, baby boy,” he growled, his glare piercing Harry to the core and making him lower his gaze - to the best of his ability, in this position. Jan reached over to push the duvet away, making it slide halfway off the bed and entirely out of Harry’s reach. _“I_ will gag you when _I_ want to. Until then, you practise controlling yourself. Yes, sir?”

“Yes, sir,” Harry echoed weakly, his stomach buzzing with something deliciously undefinable, somewhere at the intersection of desire, shame, fear, and excitement.

Without going back down on him - without changing positions at all, actually - Jan reached down and slipped his finger back inside, this time with a purpose that Harry could feel as he worked it in small circles, a purpose that made him clench around it and shiver. It wasn’t long before a second entered, and Harry bit his tongue as hard as he dared, screwing his face up and breathing shallowly through his nose in an attempt to keep his sounds of pleasure quiet as Jan stretched him out. 

“That’s it, Wingzy,” Jan said. “That’s my baby. Open up for me, you ready for another one?” 

Harry squirmed experimentally, then winced and shook his head. He felt full, he felt wonderful, but he knew it wasn’t enough, not with how thick Jan was. “No, sir,” he murmured. 

Jan kissed him, his smile genuine and soft. “Good boy,” he whispered, making Harry glow in a way that had very little to do with sex. Jan was always proud of him, always praised him, for showing enough care for himself to sacrifice instant gratification for safety and comfort. 

After another minute of fingering Harry with a steady rhythm, nibbling and sucking his way across his chest, Jan nipped the shell of his ear, making him nearly yelp, then smirked at the strangled noise he made when he tried to hold it in. 

“Now?”

Nodding vehemently but keeping his jaw clenched shut, Harry responded with an encouraging whimper, and Jan’s teeth caught Harry’s lower lip and tugged, drawing his whimper into a gasp. When Jan let go and ran his tongue tenderly over the little indents from his teeth, Harry sighed, thinking he may explode from his desire to just rise up and meet him in a kiss. 

Jan added a third finger, readjusting them and easing them back in. “You’re so good,” he murmured, his lips against Harry’s temple. “So tight... but you’re doing great, baby. God, you’re beautiful.”

Harry couldn’t help himself - he craned his neck and turned his head, pressing his face into Jan’s neck so that he could let out a needy whimper, his blush rushing through his whole body until his skin burned. Jan’s fingers were finally buried all the way inside him; he could feel the rest of Jan’s hand pressing against his entrance. When Harry relaxed around them, Jan started with slow thrusts, but he built up quickly, fucking Harry with his fingers, pushing them as deep as possible, working his way up to twisting and wiggling them to tease Harry’s prostate. 

Harry’s whole body nearly shuddered apart. “Jan...” he sighed, kissing his neck over and over.

Leaving Harry pouting, Jan pulled his fingers out, then rolled onto his other side and swiftly grabbed wipes from the bedside table. Once done with that, he stretched out on his back, grinned at Harry, and gestured generally to himself, from top to bottom. 

Harry wasted no time whatsoever in scrambling to his knees, knowing exactly what Jan wanted - what was expected of him.

He started with Jan’s shorts, bending forward at the waist to nuzzle his cheek and nose against the impressive bulge underneath them. Jan made a soft noise of appreciation and lifted his hips a little, and Harry stilled, content to let Jan be the one to press his dick up into Harry’s face instead, relishing how it was both soft and firm all at once, the little shifts and twitches that he could feel even through the fabric.

His own dick, so entirely neglected since Jan had taken his makeshift gag away, was no less hard for it; he longed to seek some friction, throw his leg over Jan’s, press down against him, but he didn’t - he _couldn’t_ \- and it made the throbbing between his legs all the more delicious.

When Jan relaxed his hips, Harry hooked his fingers over the waistband and pulled the shorts down. He tossed them off to the side and moved so that he was knelt over Jan’s shins, then ran his hands up Jan’s legs, from the sides of his calves up over his knees, feeling the contrast of soft skin and coarse hair under his palms as he slid them up Jan’s thighs, beautifully creamy under the more sun-kissed skin of Harry’s hands.

Jan was quickly hardening, and Harry paused for the briefest moment to admire the thick column of his cock through his white briefs, to savour the way he could see it curved, trapped under the cotton and waiting to be freed. 

He bit his lip and looked at Jan. “Am I allowed to touch?” he asked, barely a whisper. Jan looked back, his eyes dark and lids heavy, and Harry rather hazily realised that he’d both spoken out of turn _and_ failed to address Jan properly. Jan was often lenient with those things, though, depending on whether he was feeling particularly dominant or not, and this was just one of those mornings where he smirked, then reached down to take Harry’s hand, bringing it to his dick and pressing it down while he pushed up against it. 

Harry’s fingers closed around Jan’s cock, groping through the fabric, and Jan moaned softly, biting his lip. “You touch all you want, baby,” Jan said in a low, slightly strained voice.

Harry wasted no time in taking him seriously; he pulled down Jan’s underwear so quickly that his dick kind of sprang out. It made Harry giggle, which made Jan laugh, which made Harry blush as he finished pulling Jan’s pants off. Those went over the side of the bed as well, and then Harry scooted back in order to have room to bend over. He kissed the head of Jan’s cock several times, then moved down, lapping lightly up and down his shaft in a way that he knew would drive Jan mad. 

A bit too mad a bit too quickly, apparently - a sharp, “Okay,” and a sudden yank against Harry’s scalp made him gasp, and his head was pulled up. He found Jan gazing hungrily into his eyes, and he swallowed. “New plan, come here, sit up,” said Jan. Harry obeyed, albeit a bit dazedly, now straddling Jan’s thighs, and Jan reached over to the bedside drawer for a condom and lube. He handed both to Harry, then leaned back on his elbows. “Enough foreplay. You tease me like that, and this will be over sooner than I want.” 

His eyes widening, Harry hurried to tear the condom open, and he got it onto Jan in record time. When he impatiently threw the wrapper aside, Jan started to laugh, and Harry blushed, realising that he was possibly being a little over-eager. 

“It’s not going anywhere,” Jan teased. 

When Harry knew that it was more than lubed enough for him, he shifted his smile from sweet to something much naughtier, and he shook his head as he went up on his knees. “Oh, no, it’s absolutely going somewhere.”

Jan’s grin sharpened. He reached down, putting one hand on Harry’s hip and holding his dick steady with the other. “Slowly,” warned Jan. 

Harry barely managed to refrain from a scoff. He was well aware that he needed to be careful, and he wished Jan would stop feeling like he had to be told. Jan took Harry’s safety and comfort very seriously; Harry had already experienced the consequences of being so eager to have Jan inside him that he wasn’t truthful about whether he was entirely ready or not. The first couple of times, he was only lectured, but the third, Jan forbade him to come back over until he was fully healed. That, it turned out, was the only punishment that he needed in order to make it stick. 

Still, he loved Jan and wanted to please him. He braced himself on his hands and rested most of his weight on Jan, and Jan angled himself so that Harry wasn’t relying on gravity. Despite Jan’s paranoia, there was no discomfort at all, even as he sat back up. 

“Good?”

Harry began moving in lieu of a response, rocking back and forth on his knees. It felt amazing, and he moaned quietly, letting his head fall back. He never realised how empty he felt until Jan filled him up again. It had been almost a whole week since their schedules had played nicely with one another, and Harry had just about resorted to jumping him in the showers after training. He’d gotten somewhat spoiled on sex and affection since the summer; the rare times that he did have to go without seeing Jan for a few days, his pent up frustration and energy were quick to mount and quick to burst. He’d even actually snapped at Dele the other day because hearing about things with Eric was getting him... frustrated. 

Now here they were, and Harry was _not_ interested in going slowly.

Once he’d made sure that Jan knew he was comfortable, he started lifting himself up a little more, letting himself fall a little harder. It wasn’t long before Jan had to bend his knees so that Harry’s enthusiasm didn’t dislodge him, and once he did that, he used the leverage to meet Harry with hard thrusts of his own. 

“Shhh, Harry,” groaned Jan. Harry was biting his lip, but he couldn’t stop himself from the soft noises being forced out of him with every impact. He braced himself on Jan’s chest and gasped when Jan’s fingers dug deep into the flesh of his buttocks. “Come on, baby, you gotta be quieter than that.” 

“I’m--” Harry cut himself off with a whimper when Jan drove up into him. “God, I can’t. It feels amazing... you’re fucking huge, shit, I’ve missed this...” 

Jan laughed breathlessly. “You make it sound like I didn’t bend you over your bathroom counter last Tuesday. You haven’t forgotten how I feel inside you since then, have you, Wingzy?” 

Harry moaned at the sound of his voice, which was nearly a purr. “No, sir... mmm, god, never forgot.” Jan gripped his hips tight and Harry held himself still, letting him thrust up into Harry at his own pace. Harry let out little high gasps every time Jan buried himself to the hilt, making Jan grin. “Could never forget. Just always miss it, is all,” he panted. “From the second we finish until the second you’re back inside me. Come on, harder... please...”

Jan grinned sharply, and he sent Harry into needy squirms as his short nails raked down Harry’s front. When Jan reached his nipples, he pinched hard. A hot shock sparked through Harry’s nerves and he dropped his head down with a low whine-- then he gasped when Jan suddenly grabbed his hair in a loose grip. He was dragged down and he landed chest-to-chest with Jan, who grinned dangerously and hauled him forward, claiming him in a brutal kiss. Jan bit at his lips and swallowed down his groans until Harry whined and writhed on top of him. 

“Come on,” Harry said against his lips. He dropped his head down and started mouthing at Jan’s neck, moaning against his hot, slick skin. “Come on, _sir,”_ he goaded, smirking up at him again. “Make me come.”

Jan made a low noise and his kissing took on a renewed fury. He rolled them both over in one smooth motion and grabbed Harry’s thighs, holding him still while he drove his dick deep inside. Harry threw his head back into the pillow and cried out, no ability to even try to be quiet. He tried to apologise, but everything went dark and muffled, and he burst out laughing - as much as he could while grunting and gasping from Jan’s nearly vicious pace; Jan had snatched the pillow out from under Harry’s head and dropped it onto his face. He wasn’t holding it down or anything, so Harry was in no danger of not being able to breathe. It was just a silent order; the best that Jan could do without disrupting his rhythm. 

Harry clumsily got a hand on it to stuff the corner into his mouth as much as possible, moving the rest out of the way. Now blessedly muffled, his eyes on Jan’s, Harry was able to open himself up entirely, stop clenching his body around its reactions. He completely yielded, moaning and keening into the huge wad of fabric in his mouth, letting the hard impacts drive rough gasps from his lungs.

“That’s it, Harry. You’re perfect, fuck--” He leaned down and pressed his forehead against Harry’s, but he couldn’t keep his eyes open. His thrusts got harder and his ragged breaths turned into little growls of pleasure and he came, fingers digging into Harry’s flesh, breath hot on his face. He only took a few seconds to catch his breath before he reached between them and got a hand around Harry’s dick, and not long after that, Harry was tumbling after, almost screaming his name. His body shuddered below Jan, cum streaking across his stomach, wordless whimpers and groans cutting into his mostly unintelligible litany of adoration.

“Harry... _tu es si beau_... you really wanted it rough, huh baby?” The pillow was gone and Jan’s mouth was there, soft and bristly, just a couple of pecks. Harry could feel his grin, and he grinned back, eyelids heavy as he opened them. When he and Jan looked at each other, Jan’s grin grew and he tilted his head to kiss Harry’s forehead. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

Harry chuckled a little hazily. He’d surprised himself a little, too, if he were honest. Looking through all those collars, imagining the ways that Jan could dominate him with some of the other things that he found there... suddenly he’d just wanted Jan to hold him down and take him, to claim him, consume him. 

He felt more than watched as Jan leaned over to the nightstand and retrieved a few wipes, one for cleaning the cum from Harry’s stomach, and a couple that he just gently ran all over, soothing Harry’s forehead and neck and arms and legs with the damp, cool cloths. He wriggled contentedly, scooting until he was sitting up a little more, and Jan stretched out next to him, gently taking his chin and bringing Harry’s face to his own for several long, sweet kisses. 

“Do you want anything, baby? I can go get you some water if you want,” Jan murmured. Harry shivered as Jan’s fingers traced down his chest. He glanced down and saw them following several existing trails, bright pink lines down his torso. He remembered, albeit fuzzily, when Jan had scratched him, and he bit his lip, grinning a little at him.

“Nice.”

“Mmhmm.” Jan chuckled, laying his head on Harry’s chest, and Harry craned his neck so he could press his face against Jan’s hair. It was so soft and just smelled distinctly like _Jan_ , and Harry nuzzled his nose into it, taking a deep breath. Jan pressed a kiss against his chest. “I asked if you want me to get you anything.”

Quite content exactly where and how he was, Harry opened his mouth to say no - then paused, and looked around for his phone. It had gotten knocked nearly off the bed, but he was able to roll away and grab it from the edge. When he rolled back, he stubbornly nudged and pouted at Jan until he was the one sitting up a little, and Harry could be the one tucked up underneath his arm instead. He was never unhappy to have Jan in his embrace, cozy against his side, but for him, this is where he felt safest. To be the one wrapped up in Jan’s tenderness felt like coming home. 

Despite that, now that they were settled, he still felt a little nervous. He knew Jan, though, and Jan wouldn’t make Harry feel bad for asking, no matter what the answer was. He took a breath, unlocked his phone, and tipped his head back to give Jan a cautious, hopeful look. “What about... maybe one of these?” 

Jan’s jaw dropped when he saw the screen, and as seconds went by, anxious butterflies burst out of Harry’s stomach to flutter through his whole body. Was this not something subs were supposed to bring up? Was it a bigger deal than he thought it was? He hid his very warm face against Jan’s chest, suddenly wishing he had never gone down this rabbit hole.

“You want--?” Jan’s voice almost sounded like it caught a little, and Harry looked up again. Jan was looking back at him, and looked... well, mostly like he wasn’t sure what to think. 

“If...” Harry bit his lip, not sure what to say. Now he was scared that he was overstepping, and he stammered nervously. “I-- I mean, if you don’t...”

“No, no.” Jan shook his head, his eyes wide. “I just don’t--”

“It’s okay! I didn’t mean to--”

“You didn’t, Harry, listen--”

“And I don’t want-- I mean--”

“Harry.”

“I just wouldn’t want you to feel like you have to...” 

“Harry, _genoeg.”_ Jan raised his voice and put a stern edge on it, and Harry fell silent. _Enough._ It was one of a handful of words that Harry knew in both Dutch and French - words that Jan expected him to heed no matter what language he was thinking in at the time. He dropped his gaze, intent on staring at Jan’s stomach, but Jan’s fingers lifted his chin, and he looked up nervously. He blinked; Jan was smiling, and there was nothing but adoration in his eyes, even if he did look a little oddly dazed. He stroked Harry’s cheek. “Let me talk, yeah? I would love to get you a collar, baby.”

“Really?” Harry broke out into a grin, scooting up the bed to kiss him and take his phone back.

Jan laughed softly. “Really,” he said. “I’m so happy that this is something that you want.”

Harry made a happy little noise and kissed his cheek twice more before he flopped onto his back, tucking himself against Jan’s side so that Jan could see his screen. Of course both of them were well aware that Harry could easily afford any collar - or clothes, food, or anything else at all - that he wanted, really, but it happened that Jan liked spoiling him. He was just one of those people who loved giving gifts, and he’d long since stamped out almost any guilt that Harry felt over accepting them. He did occasionally still have to reinforce it - usually by making Harry repeat after him that his joy and his face lighting up whenever he got a surprise were some of the most special things Jan could possibly experience. 

Harry, likewise, could readily admit that he had a materialistic streak a few yards wide, and that he simply liked the feeling of being spoiled. He had fun wheedling and begging and being cute, doing whatever he had to in order to earn what he wanted. He loved presents, loved surprises, loved knowing that something totally random made Jan think of him and spontaneously want to make him happy. 

“I’ve not found one that I really fancy quite yet,” he said, “but I know I don’t want anything massive like that.” He pointed at one of the thick black collars on the current page, then swiped back. He pinched to zoom in on another very thin metal one, making a face at it even though Jan couldn’t see. “But I don’t fancy anything delicate like this, either. I mean, I didn’t get to look at many of them yet, but--” 

“Okay, slow down,” Jan laughed softly. “I just want to... I mean, is this...?” Jan couldn’t seem to figure out what he actually wanted to say beyond the interruption, then he huffed out something that was between a chuckle and a sigh. He pinched Harry lightly, making him scoff. “Come here.”

The bed bounced a little while Jan shifted around and arranged the pillows, then stopped when he settled back. He tugged gently on Harry’s hair, a wordless summons, and Harry sat up. Before Harry could even move on his own, Jan hauled him by the underarms to sit in the space between his legs. Harry reclined into the warmth of Jan’s chest and rested his head back against his shoulder, loving the heat of Jan’s naked body radiating against his own bare skin. 

He gazed up at Jan - well, the side of Jan’s head - glad that he wasn’t looking back; if he had been, he would certainly have seen how irrevocably, inadvisably in love with him Harry really was. And that would just be awkward. 

It was already awkward for Harry, though, even without Jan catching him making heart eyes. He _was_ in love with Jan - and it wasn’t just puppy love. Sure, maybe it had been puppy love back when he was first promoted to the senior team, admiration for a more experienced player and a healthy dose of superficial lust. But he’d been a kid then, like eighteen, nineteen. Now he was older, and he actually _knew_ about love - because he knew Jan. 

But Jan just wasn’t there with him, on that level - and Harry didn’t really know why. Across the hundreds of moments that had just felt so _right_ that Harry had had to consciously refrain from saying ‘I love you’, he’d never gotten the feeling that Jan was facing the same struggle. 

It scared him a little, to be honest, knowing that his feelings for Jan were stronger than Jan’s were for him, especially with the looming possibility that this was Jan’s last season with Spurs.

They hadn’t discussed it yet - largely because Harry didn’t want to admit that it was really going to happen, so he refused to bring it up - but he saw the flash of a distraught look that sometimes clouded Jan’s face when Harry talked about the future. Harry knew deep down that it was true - even though nothing had been decided, it was in the air; he could just feel it. Jan was going to leave Spurs, and who could even begin to guess where he’d end up? 

Harry had just... started to always assume that he was looking ahead to the inevitable end of their relationship, keeping Harry at just enough of a distance to make him easier to break up with. 

But if Jan really did want to collar him... was it possible that not all hope was lost? 

_Fucking hell, could I possibly be any more melodramatic?_

“Okay,” he prompted, chasing away the circling angst. He shook the cloud off, then turned to kiss Jan’s neck, letting him feel a small smile against his skin. “I’m here. Now, we were starting to talk about getting me a collar?”

“Ahh, yes, we were starting to talk about getting you a collar,” echoed Jan. Harry could hear the smile in his voice. Jan wrapped his arms around Harry’s middle, absently caressing his stomach. It made him squirm a little, but Jan pinched him, stilling him again. He pressed a kiss to the crown of Harry’s head, but didn’t move away; Harry felt his lips purse thoughtfully. “What do you know about them already? What got you interested?”

Harry blushed, glad that Jan couldn’t see him. There was no use evading the question - Jan had an unnatural ability to know when he was lying. “I heard you talking to Paulo last night about getting punished for touching Toby’s,” he admitted. 

“Oh, really?” 

Harry could practically hear the raised eyebrows, and he fought the instinct to squirm nervously. “Not on purpose. You two were on the phone out back, the door was open...” 

He felt Jan shift a little under him, and a sigh gusted through his hair. “I see.”

Without being able to see Jan’s face, Harry really couldn’t tell what kind of emotion was behind those two little syllables. He bit his lip. “I wasn’t eavesdropping,” he said. “That’s the only thing I heard, I promise. It was right when I sat down, and then Leyla started telling me about what she wanted to draw, so I never heard anything else.” He paused for a second, then plowed forward, not keen on giving Jan a chance to dwell. “So, well, I just googled collars this morning when I woke up, and I read some stuff.”

“Yeah? What did you learn?” asked Jan. 

He thought about it, absently drawing a shapeless pattern on the back of Jan’s hand with one finger. “Loads, really,” he finally said. “One thread went about a collaring ceremony almost like it were a wedding, and then in the next one, there was someone who had, like, twenty collars to go with different outfits. Some people wear the same collar twenty-four hours a day and never take it off, some people buy them at pet stores like it’s no big deal...” He gave a helpless little shrug, finding himself a bit frustrated with the lack of actual specifics. “I suppose I didn’t learn much after all, when you hear it out loud.”

He finally chanced a cautious glance at Jan, and Jan’s little smile settled his bubbling anxiety all at once. He’d been worried that Jan might be angry about him hearing the phone call, but there was no trace of that. Where he thought he would find disapproval, instead he found warmth and tender pride. 

“You really do want this,” he murmured, half to himself. Harry blushed and nodded. “Well, to me, it sounds like you learned a lot.” Jan’s fingers came up to Harry’s neck, idly tracing around where a collar might sit. Harry shivered, dropping his head back, and Jan bent down to kiss him on the temple. “You’re right - there are lots of different meanings behind them, different ways to use them.”

“What about your collar?” blurted out Harry, not even thinking beyond wanting a personal viewpoint. Immediately, he closed his eyes, wishing he hadn’t asked. Hearing about how Jan belonged to Paulo wasn’t high on the list of things that he wanted this morning. Or ever. 

But Jan knew him well. He didn’t say anything immediately, just ran a hand through Harry’s hair. “Are you sure you want to hear about that?” he asked. 

“No.” There was no hesitation; he may have even said it before Jan finished asking. Jan’s other hand was resting on his thigh; Harry slid his own underneath, lacing their fingers together. After a long stretch of silence, he sighed. “I just know I want one. However you want me to wear it, whatever you want me to do. As long as it means that I’m... I’m yours.” 

When Jan didn’t say anything for a few seconds, Harry craned his neck to look at him again, and was surprised to see his eyes a little brighter than usual. It took Jan a few seconds to look back down at him, but then he did, and he wrapped Harry up warmly in both arms, leaning over his shoulder in order to firmly kiss his cheek. “That’s exactly what you are,” he said.


	2. Like Gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frustrations continue mounting for Harry, pushing him to ask Jan a question that's been eating away at him - but is he ready to hear the answer?

They showered, dressed, and went downstairs, easily pretending to the kids that Harry had just now shown up for breakfast. Jan had eaten much earlier with them already, but he automatically started making Harry an omelet with mushrooms and spinach and loads of cheese while Harry fetched himself tea and sat, chin in his hands, admiring Jan’s profile and his arms and the practised movement of his hands. Once Harry was finished, Jan did the washing up, and Harry took the kids out into the garden so they’d give him the peace to do it, alternating between pushing them on the swings and kicking a ball around with them. 

After about half an hour, Harry saw Jan watching them from the back door. He wasn’t actually sure how long he’d been there; it wasn’t until Harry scrambled up after being ‘tackled’ that he noticed him framed in the doorway, a ridiculously sappy smile on his face. 

Harry waved, feeling like a dork even as he did. It probably ended up looking about as awkward as Dele's wave.

Jan winked and waved back, then waved over at the kids. “Hey,  _ kom binnen, _ please!” he called. 

Leyla whirled on him and scowled, crossing her arms. “Not yet!  _ We spelen met  _ Harry!” 

“Yeah, well, Harry’s my friend, too.  _ Ik wil ook met hem spelen.” _

_ “Nog vijf minuten!” _

_ “Nee.  _ Right now, please.”

Begrudgingly, Leyla herded Ilay into the house, glaring darkly at Jan as she passed him by. She immediately stomped off to the playroom, her little shadow chasing after her, leaving Jan and Harry grinning at each other in their wake.

Harry glanced over his shoulder to make sure they were gone, then wrapped his arms around Jan’s neck, smiling and tipping his head up for a kiss. “Hey.” He kissed him again, then stepped back and crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes playfully. “What did you say about me earlier?”

“What?”

“You said I’m your friend too, then something in Dutch. It ended in  _ spelen?” _

Jan grinned. “You understood it enough to pick that out? Mmm,  _ indrukwekkend.” _

Harry rolled his eyes; everyone occasionally had to take a crack at him for only speaking one language. “Okay, what does  _ that _ mean?” he asked, perhaps a little less playfully than he meant to. 

Jan raised his eyebrows. 

“It means ‘impressive’,” Sophie said, making both of them jump at her sneaky arrival in the kitchen. “As in,  _ hebt Jan een indrukwekkend kont.” _ She and Jan both laughed at that, and Harry looked between them in frustrated confusion until Sophie took pity. “I said that Jan has an impressive butt.” She winked at Harry, giving Jan’s backside a playful slap as she made her way to the fridge. “Is he teasing you, Winksy?” 

“I never stop,” Jan said with a smirk, not even letting Harry answer. Harry scoffed derisively - and maybe a little louder than he’d meant to - and Jan eyed him for a second before he leaned back for a kiss from Sophie. When he turned back, he hooked a finger into the collar of Harry’s t-shirt, pulling him close. “What I said was  _ ‘ik wil ook met hem spelen’ _ which means--” He lowered his voice, putting his lips next to Harry’s ear. “‘I want to play with him, too.’”

Harry shivered, pressing closer to him.

“So mind this fucking attitude of yours,” Jan growled, sending heat and chills coursing through Harry’s veins. Jan nipped at his ear, making him hiss through his teeth. “...And maybe I will.”

Tiny footsteps coming down the hallway made Jan nudge him away, and Harry bumped into the fridge, leaning against it in a little bit of a daze.

“ _ Mama _ ,  _ ik heb honger.” _

_ “Je hebt minder dan een uur geleden ontbeten, nee?” _ Sophie grabbed a dishcloth from the worktop and threw it at Jan, who was looking down at his phone now. “Hey. _ Hebben ze genoeg gegeten? Heeft Harry gegeten?” _

Jan snorted.  _ “Ze aten alles - inclusief het grootste deel van mijn ontbijt.  _ And yes,  _ Harry heeft gegeten.” _

“Ooh!” Leyla perked up, looked at Harry, then bounded over to Jan, grabbing his shirt.  _ “Kan Harry de hele dag blijven, Papa?” _

Jan laughed and stuck his phone back in his pocket, grinning down at her.  _ “Wil je dat Harry de hele dag blijft?” _ he asked. He ran his hand over his daughter’s disheveled hair and tweaked her nose, then winked at Harry, who just blinked. “Me, too.  _ Zullen we het hem vragen?” _

Harry  _ still _ had no idea what anyone was saying. He found himself frustrated and a little embarrassed, and he was suddenly unable to stand it anymore. “Be right back,” he muttered, pushing himself off of the fridge. He didn’t meet Jan’s eyes as he went, trudging into the living room and falling onto the couch with a sigh.

He wasn’t really surprised when footsteps swiftly followed and Jan appeared in the doorway. “Sorry,” grumbled Harry, stuffing a throw pillow behind his head. “I know I’m being--” 

“Bitchy?” Jan came over to the couch, looking down at Harry and tilting his head. “Yeah, just a bit. What gives?” 

Harry sighed and shifted, giving Jan room to sit. Jan did so, his hand lifting to card through Harry’s hair, pushing it back from his forehead. Harry nuzzled into his warm touch even as he looked away in embarrassment of his behaviour. “I just wanted to get out of there,” he muttered.

“No, a real answer, please,” Jan said, his voice gentle but stern. 

“Just too much fucking Dutch, okay?” Harry dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, his shame flaring into defensive annoyance. He groaned, dropped his hands, and glared at Jan. “I’m the only one, and you know it. Out of all of us, I’m the only one who only speaks one language.” Chatter drifting in from the kitchen reminded him to lower his voice, and he clenched his jaw. “I know English, Jan. That’s it. I don’t know Dutch, or Spanish, or French.” He cut his gaze off to the side and injected a little venom into his voice. “Or Italian.” 

“Harry--”

“Do you even notice when I’m not able to join in?” he snapped. He felt a little surge of satisfaction when Jan winced, glancing away. “Have you honestly never looked at me and seen me gutted over being left out? Have you ever thought it might feel like utter crap to hear people saying my name and laughing, but no one can be arsed to clue me into the joke?”

There were a few moments of tense silence. His stomach in knots, Harry watched Jan carefully; he looked a little shell shocked, but not angry, and as he seemed to think it over, his surprise slowly crumbled. “Shit. You’re right, baby... I’m sorry.”

Having been nervous of causing a proper row with this charming attitude of his, Harry felt some of the tension drain out of him - but definitely not all of it. 

Jan’s steady, soothing hand dropped from his hair to cup his face, holding him still in order to look sincerely into his eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s thoughtless of me not to pay more attention to that. I think sometimes I get caught up in enjoying to tease you.” He smiled a little, and Harry shifted his glare away, not quite ready to give it up. “I’m glad you’re telling me that it bothers you. I’ll do my best to be better about translating and using English, okay?”

Harry shrugged one shoulder. Whatever issue he was expecting to work out by dragging this to the fore was still there, gnawing at something in his stomach. “Yeah, I guess. Thanks.”

Jan didn’t react to his sullenness, just resumed petting his hair. “I need to be using more English around the house, anyway, so Leyla isn’t behind in school. So really, this was a good talk to have.” Harry could hear a smile in his voice, but refused to look or engage in any way yet; he wasn’t quite ready to get un-mad. Jan seemed to sense it, and he sobered. “I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner, Harry. Will you tell me how long it’s been bothering you?”

Harry fidgeted with the edge of the couch cushion. He wasn't really sure how to answer that. He  _ knew _ the answer, of course - feeling less worldly, less educated than his multilingual teammates had been something he’d grappled with since he was a teenager. It usually wasn’t that big of a deal - he played and lived in England, and everyone he spent a significant amount of time with off the pitch spoke English mostly fluently. He’d always wanted to expand, but never seemed to be able to stick with a language long enough to actually learn it - another sore spot.

But a couple of weeks ago, he’d walked in on a video chat between Jan and Dries. Dries, who Harry was apparently just supposed to magically know about. Dries, the ‘best friend’ that Jan had loved for years prior to even noticing that Harry existed, but somehow conveniently forgot to mention. Dries, who Jan had sworn Harry ‘would honestly get on with’ if he tried, since they were ‘so alike’. Except for the part where Dries was the same age as Jan, of course. Like Jan, Dries was married. Like Jan, he was living and playing abroad. He probably didn’t get in a strop over stupid things like Harry did. He probably didn’t prefer Xbox to reading, probably actually  _ liked _ drinking wine. He spoke  _ four _ languages.

No, Dries and Jan had far more in common than either Dries and Harry  _ or _ Harry and Jan did. If Jan wanted to make the comparison so badly, all that Harry could see was that, whatever kind of ‘alike’ they were, Dries was obviously the more palatable version of it. 

“Baby?”

Harry blinked his way out of the unsolicited mental image of Jan and Dries running away together, having just about forgotten that Jan had asked him a question. He opened his mouth to try to construct some kind of answer, but what came out, quiet and scared and seemingly out of nowhere, was, “Why don’t you want to be my boyfriend?”

The room was silent, and Harry held his breath. He really hadn’t been planning for that to be what came out when he opened his mouth. Not to say that it wasn’t taking up quite a bit of real estate in his mind, because it was, but it just seemed like such a juvenile question - especially to ask during  _ this _ conversation. It had nothing to do with what they were talking about.

But then again, Jan wasn’t answering.

A sick feeling started to crawl up from the depths of Harry’s belly, and he swallowed against it. His first instinct was to back off, to yield, to say ‘never mind’; it was almost overpowering, honestly. But alongside it, there was an oddly calm feeling. He’d  _ needed _ to ask this, and now he’d ripped off the plaster, thrown open the curtain, and there he was, risking overstepping, risking pushing Jan away by wanting too much, risking looking like a clingy kid. No matter what Jan said, Harry could officially say he had tried. 

But he hadn’t been prepared for Jan to say nothing. 

Tense seconds ticked by in silence, devouring that brief flash of serenity, and every single one of them fueled Harry’s desire to just fucking bolt. He started counting them; it took him only four more before he silently pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them. Five more after that, he felt that horrifying tell-tale tingle somewhere behind his eyes. 

Why had he risked it? Fuck _,_ _why?_ Why couldn’t he have just stayed happy with what he had?

He unfolded, turned, and put his feet on the floor and his elbows on his knees, now sitting normally beside Jan rather than sideways in a nervous ball of limbs. He studied his hands as they sat there, side by side on the sofa, in awkward silence. Without looking up, Harry said, “Well, if you’re not going to say anything, can I?” 

Jan finally took a deep, shaky breath. “Harry, I don’t want--”

“It can’t just be the ‘nine years younger than you’ thing, right?” he asked over the top of him. Jan fell silent, and for the first time since the awkwardness began, Jan actually looked at him, his mouth open in surprise. 

“I--”

He genuinely looked dumbfounded, and it startled Harry into a humourless laugh and a halfhearted roll of his eyes. “Oh, don’t tell me you think you’re subtle about that,” he said wryly. “It took until August for you to stop practically cringing whenever I joked about it. Toby’s had so many goes at you about being my babysitter that I was able to figure out the word in Dutch more than a month ago.”

Cheeks red, Jan sat for a moment in silence. He scrubbed his hands over his face, then nodded. “Alright, yeah, that’s part of it.”

“Why? I’m twenty-three, Jan, not some barely-legal teenager.” 

It was Jan’s turn to huff out a humourless laugh. “And I’m thirty-two! You were half that the first time we met. Some of the trophies I still have from playing football in school are older than you are. I don’t even know if you had been born yet when I joined my first academy.”

“Well of course it sounds like a big deal when you put it like  _ that. _ But we’re together  _ now, _ and I’ve been of age for seven fucking years, I vote, I have a liquor cabinet... I own a house! Why isn’t that good enough?”

“I know.”

“Do you?” Harry snorted. “You know... I  _ thought _ that you were one of the few people in my life that didn’t still see me as some precious, helpless kid.”

“Well, you  _ are _ precious,” Jan retorted. Harry scoffed incredulously, but deep down, he couldn’t help but hide a smile at how quickly Jan got flustered, blue eyes widening, clapping a hand over his mouth. “That was completely automatic. It’s... yeah, not the time or place, no? I-- yeah, sorry.” He ran a hand up through his hair, looking mildly embarrassed, but he sighed it away, giving Harry a soft look. “Of course I don’t think you’re still a kid, Wingzy. I’m not actually a dirty old man, you know. I wouldn’t have gone after you at all if I felt that way.”

Well, Harry was officially confused. “Then  _ what?” _ he demanded. 

Jan groaned, sitting back against the couch cushions. He tipped his head back and sighed at the ceiling, all of the lines of his body seeming to go slack with it. “I just don’t want you to settle for this, not when you should--”

_ “Settle?” _

“--should probably be out meeting people, dating people who won’t--” He cut himself off with another groan, half-muffled as he rubbed both hands over his face, then looked at Harry, who was surprised to see his eyes shining with tears. “I care about you  _ so _ fucking much, Harry. I don’t want you stuck because of me. What if there’s somebody you can actually grow with, someone perfect for you that you don’t have to share with anyone else, who isn’t going to--”

“Jan, stop. You have no idea how much I love--”  _ Whoops. _ “How much I love what we have.” He swallowed past a surge of emotion that threatened to get stuck in his throat. “No one could ever be as good to me as you are.”

Jan made a quiet sound and sat forward again, elbows on his knees, head hanging down between hunched shoulders. He stared at his hands, but said nothing otherwise.

“You never have to ask what I want on a pizza,” Harry said quietly. 

“What?”

“You know how much sugar and milk I want in my tea at breakfast. You always leave me the last bite whenever we split an appetizer or a dessert. Well, almost always.” When he saw Jan’s lips twitch, he couldn’t help a smile. “You spoil me silly, you never let me get away with beating myself up over things... plus you have a pretty perfect sixth sense for knowing when I just need to be pinned against a wall or bent over a table.”

He finally got a real smile out of Jan with that one, and even a noise that could have been a chuckle with a little more effort. 

“I could meet a hundred perfectly fit monogamous twenty-something blokes every single day for a year, and none of them could come close to making me feel the way you do.” He bit his lip, then reached out, claiming one of Jan’s hands for himself and holding it tight in both of his. He looked down at their interlocked fingers, but everything went blurry. 

Jan gave his hand a squeeze. “Harry--”

His tone of voice just made it sound so much like the next words out of his mouth were going to be  _ I don’t think this is going to work, _ and Harry broke, he caved, he succumbed to the need for this terrifying conversation to end like this, on a glimmer of a good note, and he went for the move that would distract them both out of it. He took a deep breath and looked at Jan with anxious eyes. “I really, really want to hug you right now,” Harry whispered. 

Jan had barely even begun to sit back and open his arms, but Harry saw the same need in his body language, clear as day. He’d never moved so fast in his life - in a blink, he scrambled onto his knees, threw one leg over Jan’s lap, and wrapped his arms around his neck, holding on as tightly as he dared, his face buried against Jan’s warm skin. Jan’s arms closed securely around his back and he squeezed, hugging him and kissing his hair over and over again.

Both of them heaved a messy sniffle at the same time, then burst out laughing, and just like that, the tension dissolved into nothingness. Harry took Jan gently by the sides of his head, pressing their foreheads together and closing his eyes with a sigh, smiling weakly. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. His arms unwound from Jan’s neck as he sat back a little - enough to look at Jan, but not so far as to leave his embrace. “I shoulda just left it. What we have is perfect.” Whether or not that was the truth, it was what came out of his mouth. He couldn’t help it; there had honestly been a few moments throughout that conversation where he’d been petrified that Jan was going to end everything with him. He swallowed, looked away, then looked back. “We  _ do _ still...?” 

“Yes, baby,” Jan said tenderly, no hesitation at all. Harry automatically glowed, looking down as he blushed, and Jan put two fingers under his chin to lift it back up. 

“Thank you, sir,” Harry whispered. He hadn’t realised just how much he needed to hear that; relief flooded through him so strongly that it was nearly dizzying. 

Jan’s breath hitched at Harry's reply, and Harry saw a whole range of emotions pass across his face - shock, joy, desire... but mainly, he looked about as relieved as Harry felt, and Harry felt some of the tension leave him. Harry ached a little - it hadn’t really occurred to him that he would have made Jan just as anxious about this conversation as he himself was. 

He exhaled through a smile and wiped his face on his sleeve, and Jan stretched over to the side table for tissues so they could clean themselves up. Once Harry felt a little more human, he sighed more contentedly, smiling softly at Jan. Even with red, puffy eyes and some residual sniffles, Jan couldn’t be more gorgeous. 

He gave into his desire to reach out, running his hands up Jan’s neck and into his hair. Tempting though it was, if only to cling to him and keep him close, he knew better than to grab, but it was enough to just card his fingers through the soft, short strands. Still a little dazed in the wake of his fear over losing him, Harry took time to just  _ look _ at Jan, eyes tracking over every inch of his handsome face. He really couldn’t get enough of him, had to let the image of Jan’s beautiful eyes and the dip of his lower lip burn into his mind, memorise all over again the brilliance of his coppery stubble, the pattern of his freckles, his strong jaw, his cute ears. 

“Also, I really need to kiss you right now,” Harry whispered, echoing similar words that he had anxiously spoken only minutes ago. Now there was nothing but sweetness in them, and Jan had just begun to close the distance between them when a wailing tantrum from the kitchen made them both jump. Guilty grins were exchanged and Harry quickly started to remove himself from Jan’s lap, but Jan held him tighter, keeping him exactly where he was. 

“Hey, you don’t get to run away when I really need to kiss you too,” Jan complained playfully. 

“But I thought--”

Jan silenced him with a kiss, swallowing that protest and robbing him of any further. It was a soft kiss, but Harry could feel so much of  _ Jan _ in it. He melted under it, his entire body yielding in response, and when Jan pulled away, Harry felt about two seconds away from seeing stars. 

“If I had to guess--” Jan ran his hand up into Harry’s hair, making him shiver. “--that delightful sound--” Jan kissed him again, a soft, sweet peck, and grinned. “--was my daughter being informed that the library won’t let her in if she smells like feet.”

Harry let out a startled laugh. “What?” 

“Sophie’s taken them upstairs to bathe, then they’re going out to the library.” When Harry grinned in delight, Jan grinned back, then tipped his head toward the kitchen. “Before I came after you, I asked her for some space to take care of you.” 

Harry blushed, not really sure if it was from pleasure or embarrassment. He was a little self-conscious of Sophie knowing that he was emotional enough about something to need to be taken care of, but it was struggling to hold a candle to the fact that Jan cared so deeply about him. 

They relaxed once the downstairs was clear, melting into each other and spending several very long, quiet minutes together, with hands roaming and lips following, just enjoying each other without much of a destination in mind. It was more than enough for Harry to just feel Jan’s hands wrapped around his waist, to hear the little hitches in his breath whenever Harry traced the shell of his ear with a couple of fingertips while they kissed. 

“I want to do this all day,” Harry murmured during a brief moment that they surfaced for air. Jan huffed out a soft laugh, his next kiss landing on Harry’s cheek. 

“Well, as soon as Sophie’s done getting them ready, the bedroom is ours, and that’s exactly what we can do.”

From upstairs, the sounds of a second tantrum filled the air, and a few seconds later, Sophie’s voice drifted down to them. “Jan,  _ een seconde? _ Sorry. _ ” _

Harry furrowed his brow, not having caught what Sophie said, and Jan blinked toward the stairs. He shifted to get out from under Harry, but Harry narrowed his eyes. He could guess what Sophie wanted by context of Jan starting to get up, but they had  _ just _ talked about this. “Hang on,” he said sternly. When Jan raised an eyebrow at him, Harry raised both expectantly, gesturing in query toward the stairs. 

“Oh! Ah, she asked me to come upstairs for a second.” Easily satisfied, Harry smiled and slid off of his lap, and Jan held him by the chin for a kiss before he stood. “Thank you for reminding me.” 

Jan disappeared in the direction of the stairs and Harry sighed deeply, stretching out along the length of the couch, thinking about how grateful he was that things were still fine after having that talk Not that he hadn’t known how lucky he was before, or appreciated it, because he absolutely did - but every time that he remembered that Jan had chosen him, he felt so... special. Jan was the kind of person who sat through the hard conversations, who listened to Harry’s problems and wholeheartedly tried to help fix them. And someone like that thought that Harry was kind and beautiful and worth all the drama that he brought with him. 

Harry smiled, and quite possibly wiggled happily in place. 

“Baby?”

Harry stopped wiggling, tipping his head back to see Jan - albeit upside down. He had reappeared in the doorway, and Harry knew that tone of voice; something was about to ruin his day. 

“What?” he whined, drawing it out. 

“Hey.” Jan gave Harry a pointed look when Harry finally turned the full power of his sulk in Jan’s direction, and with a slightly defeated sigh, Harry tried to soften his scowl as much as possible. He knew that it could easily be something that Jan had no control over, but it was hard not to default to harsh disappointment over the possibility that something was going to rob them of their time to kiss and make up. 

Jan sat on the arm of the couch, and Harry squirmed to sit up, scooting over so that he could lean against him. “So, apparently - and I have no memory of this - I’m the one who promised Leyla a trip to the library today, which means that she lost her mind when Sophie told her I wasn’t going.”

Jan putting his daughter’s happiness first definitely should have been sweeter to him than it was annoying, but today, after everything they’d just gone through, Harry just wanted some more alone time with Jan - and not in the least because he wanted to snuggle up with his not-boyfriend and look at collars together. “Ahh,” he muttered flatly. 

“And then she said that she wanted you to come, too, and asked if I would please come down here and invite you.”

Harry’s heart softened instantly. “Oh,” he said sheepishly, already with a reluctant smile chasing his petulance away. 

Jan smiled softly at him, that fond, slightly exasperated look that he got whenever Harry was abruptly yanked out of being too obnoxious of a brat. “Mmhm,” he answered dryly, a hand carding through Harry's hair. “Want to?” 

It would be far too cheesy for him to say that he’d go anywhere as long as Jan was there, so he just nodded, nuzzling against Jan’s ribs with the action. “Yeah, I do.”


	3. Pulling Me To Shore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could Harry possibly get himself into trouble in a public library?

Being at the library with Jan’s family was adorable and fun for the first hour, but as they neared the end of the second, Harry was starting to get restless. He’d been shown every last square centimetre of the kids’ section, sat at a tiny table in a tiny chair to color with them, taken upwards of twenty selfies with kids and other people who recognised them, and was currently settled into a violently yellow bean bag chair that was far too small for him, which was against the wall and mostly hidden behind the edge of a fat purple bookshelf. 

He was playing a steady rotation of mobile games, half-listening to Jan read through some silly kids’ poems from a book with some huge pawprints in the snow on its cover. He couldn’t quite believe that neither of the kids had demanded a lunch break yet, because he was edging on starving - and he hadn’t even been bouncing and dashing all over the little play area in the back of the large room like they had. 

“You’ve been looking more and more miserable by the minute since you sat down there, you know?”

Harry jumped, then blushed, looking up at Sophie with a repentant look. He genuinely hadn’t been trying to radiate it. “I didn’t know I was being so obvious, I’m sorry. I hope...?” He trailed off and gestured toward Leyla, currently sat in front of Jan, enraptured, while he quietly and animatedly read the book, remarkably composed considering the squirmy toddler who was using him as a climbing frame. 

“Nah,” Sophie said. “The three of them are keeping each other busy, I think I’m the only one who noticed.” She tilted her head. “So what’s wrong?”

It would have been beyond ridiculous for him to admit to her that he was annoyed because he just wanted to be alone with Jan. Not that he thought she’d be especially angry with him; Jan had three other men in his life besides Harry, so surely it wasn’t the first time that someone felt this way about him having to split his attention so much. But still, Harry and Sophie had never gotten particularly close; he wasn’t really sure what level of sharing to offer up. 

He remembered Jan saying that she knew that they were having a pretty serious discussion earlier, though, so that seemed like safe territory. “The talk that we had this morning, mostly,” he said softly. “It was a lot.”

Sophie’s smile turned sympathetic. “Yeah? I could tell that he was anxious about going after you.”

Harry remembered having that realisation about Jan himself. He looked up at her, glanced around to make sure there was no one within hearing distance, then sighed. “I’m sure you know all about when I found out about...?”

Sophie nodded. 

Harry looked down at the black screen of his phone, fidgeting with it. “Right, well... then you probably know that Jan practically broke his neck tripping over himself to tell Dries I’m _not_ his boyfriend.”

When he glanced up again, Sophie’s eyes were knowing, and a little sad. “And you don’t understand why not.”

It was Harry’s turn to nod, slouching down in his awkward, cushy seat, and sighing. “And we talked about it, I just... sorta feel like we didn’t quite finish it. We...” He looked around again, paranoid, then held up his phone, raising his eyebrows questioningly at Sophie. She nodded and gracefully took up another bean bag chair, somehow making it look far more comfortable than the one Harry was on. 

_ <<To: Sophie [10:49]: thanks sorry _

_ >>From: Sophie [10:49]: No, it’s good, I don't need to tell you discretion is important :) _

_ <<To: Sophie [10:49]: yeah _  
_ <<To: Sophie [10:50]: okay so I known one issue for awhile, I asked him if it was bc i’m a little younger than him and he said that’s part of it, which I’m guessing u already know_

_ >>From: Sophie [10:50]: “A little” :P Yeah, we’ve talked about it a few times_

_ <<To: Sophie [10:51]: Really? what’s he said?_

_ >>From: Sophie [10:51]: You know that I’m not going to say something like that without his consent _

Harry felt a little rush of shame run through him, making a gruff and grumpy noise under his breath. Of course he knew that - or should have considered it before impulsively asking, anyway. It was just that this topic seemed to be stalking him, almost mocking him. It had been just enough of a tiny, niggling annoyance for a while, slight enough that Harry convinced himself that he was imagining it half the time - and then suddenly two weeks ago, it became very real. Like an overstuffed closet, one little mix-up opened the door and from everyone involved, insecurities just came tumbling out into the light. 

_ <<To: Sophie [10:51]: yeah I know and thats good, I wasnt planning on telling u anything u didn't already know either, for the record. But if he’s that embarrassed that I’m still in my 20s, why did he want to be my dom, like why is he with me at all _  
_ <<To: Sophie [10:51]: and it’s not like he’s telling people anyway _  
_ <<To: Sophie [10:52]: if he had to say “and this is harry, my bf, sorry if he acts up, he’s only 23” to people then maybe I’d get it, but what is there to be embarrassed about when no one even knows_

Harry exhaled and put his phone down, giving Sophie time to reply while he scrubbed his hands despairingly over his face, then pulled the brim of his cap back down to keep it hidden. Of all the places for this to have come up, a public library where he had no choice but to be quiet was not a great one. He wanted to pace, fidget, cry, shout; he didn’t always do ‘quiet’ very well when he was worked up. 

_ >>From: Sophie [10:52]: Winksy, no, he’s not embarrassed by you at all _  
_ >>From: Sophie [10:53]: There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You’re smart and sweet and driven, you’re a top footballer, the kids adore you. _  
_ >>From: Sophie [10:53]: I promise. You bring out something wonderfully fun in him and he gets such a sweet look in his eyes when he talks about you. :) _

Harry looked up from the screen in surprise, openly gaping at Sophie. She caught the motion and glanced over, then laughed softly.

_ >>From: Sophie [10:53]: Why does that surprise you?_

_ <<To: Sophie [10:54]: see above about not wanting to be my bf? _   
_ <<To: Sophie [10:54]: I dont think I’ve ever spent so much time trying to understand and fix something without feeling like I’ve made any progress whatsoever_

His fingers hovered over the keyboard as he debated admitting that the other part of his surprise was her response. He couldn’t imagine himself trying to earnestly convince somebody else to pursue Jan like this.

But then again, Sophie was married to him. She didn't have to worry about their relationship being threatened; it was already real, already official. If she encouraged Jan to wander, there was always a line for him to follow back to her. But there was nothing tethering him to Harry; they weren’t boyfriends, and Jan hadn’t actually collared him yet. If Harry were to do the same, what would stop Jan from just drifting off?

Before he could take action one way or the other, a shadow fell over him. He looked up, half expecting to find someone who wanted a selfie, but instead he broke into a completely automatic grin when he saw that it was Jan.

“Hey,” he said. 

Jan smiled back at him. “Hey, you,” he said. Sophie hopped up to give him a kiss and a smile, then glanced past him toward the play area, groaning toward where the kids were now on their third wind. “Yeah,” Jan said, “I don’t think we can just wait for them to tire themselves out this time.” He lightly kicked Harry’s bean bag chair. “I need to get away from primary colours for a while, come on.”

“Same,” Harry said readily. _Please say that ‘away’ means ‘home’._

He hauled himself up off of the chair and followed Jan into the wide main corridor. They turned right and started to wander toward whatever section of books was up ahead of them. Whatever it was, it wasn’t the exit; Harry held his tongue, but it was a struggle. 

“I’m glad we got to do this,” Jan said softly. He was smiling, not at Harry, but just to himself. “With football and everything else, I have to say no to so many things - no, we can’t do this because Papa has training, and no, we can’t do that because Papa has to go to Germany or something.” He sighed, then sidestepped just a little to bump shoulders with Harry before he stepped back to a respectable, platonic distance, dropping his voice. “Sorry that it messed with our plans. I’ll make it up to you, yeah?”

Harry’s lingering annoyance was chased away by the tender little note in Jan’s voice. He could understand, honestly. He didn’t know from experience, but he had listened to dozens of others; almost invariably, most people who had kids while they were still playing professionally said that not being there for them all the time was almost the hardest part about trying to do both, second only to disappointing them by it. 

He loved that Jan was such a good father. His kids clearly worshipped him, and it was so fun to watch the switch flip into Dad Mode; Harry loved to listen to the way that he encouraged and praised them, or to watch him effortlessly fix things, answer questions, and plait Leyla’s hair - simultaneously - without taking his eyes off the telly. Harry didn’t want to take Jan away from them by demanding loads of his time, not really. It just felt sometimes like he was playing catch up, except everyone else in the race was someone Jan already loved, someone who had already had their turn, and they were taking time away from his chance to make Jan fall in love with him too. 

Harry started to say that it was fine, but he stopped himself. Jan didn’t like to let him lie about this kind of thing - and because it was Jan, he would know immediately if he did. “I understand,” he said instead. “I promise I do. I--”

“Pardon, sorry, hi... would you mind terribly? Only, my wife is absolutely mad about you, and she’ll be fuming jealous. Oh, cheers, lads, really.”

Jan and Harry paused their conversation for a selfie with a couple of older gentlemen, then smiled and waved and took a trip further into the stacks, away from the majority of foot traffic. The interruption had idled their conversation, and while waiting for something to bring it back to life, Harry found himself with his phone back in his hand, scrolling up and down that website again. 

“Hey,” he whispered, catching Jan’s sleeve to pull him away from perusing whatever shelf he had stopped in front of. He turned his phone so Jan could see, grinning. “Look, limited edition.”

_Royal Blue & Silver Crystal Studded Ring BDSM Collar _

Jan’s eyes widened and he wrapped his hand around Harry’s hand and phone, shoving it down between them. “What are you doing?” he hissed, glancing over his shoulder and around. 

Harry battled against a smirk and raised his eyebrows. “What? We’re like, the only ones in this whole section. You know, I really like that colour blue, maybe they have a matching leash.”

“This is not the place, baby boy,” warned Jan. 

Harry made a show of giving him his biggest, saddest eyes - not that they were terribly effective paired with the grin he was having to actively bite back. “Aw, why not?”

Jan shook his head in exasperation, then pointedly turned and walked away. Harry followed, catching up easily when Jan stopped only a few shelves away. Jan tilted his head at a shelf, then pulled a book halfway out, peered at the back cover, then put it back and did the same to the one next to it. Harry found it equal parts adorable and hot that Jan was actually finding interesting things to hunt for in the Historical Nonfiction section. 

Jan perused the spines, his head on a permanent rightwards tilt, and Harry kept scrolling through collars, now all the more invested because of how squirmy it made Jan. He moved from the standard to the deluxe ones, scrolling down. “Ooh, or this one.” He stuck his phone between Jan’s face and the book he was looking at, and Jan scowled at him.

“Harry.”

“What? It’s white.” Harry smiled coyly and bit his lip before he looked up at Jan through his lashes. “You like me in white, yeah? Like when I’m in just a towel... or a tight pair of pants...” 

“Harry, do not give me a boner at the fucking _library.”_

“Hey, I don’t control your dick,” Harry said airily. Feeling Jan’s eyes positively searing into the top of his head, Harry just made a show of looking back down at his phone, tapping and scrolling. “I know I took every last ounce of piss out of Dele when he went through his rose gold phase, but I think I’m becoming a fan. Look at this. Lush, innit?” He showed Jan a white leather collar with rose gold hardware, which was actually legitimately his favourite of the ones he’d tortured him with so far. 

Jan snatched his phone away, shoving it into his own back pocket. 

“Oi!” Harry tried to get it back, but Jan grabbed his wrist in a bruising grip, giving Harry an absolutely no-nonsense look.

“What happens when I tell you not to do something and you keep pushing me, hmm?”

Harry only arched a brow and smirked back. “Nothing,” he retorted, “at least not in a public libr--”

He was yanked off balance before he could even finish the sentence. With another surreptitious glance around - and Harry hadn’t been wrong, not a soul was close enough to overhear them, or even be paying attention - Jan dragged Harry in front of him and ushered him forward. “Go,” he growled. 

Harry tingled with excitement as he walked. He didn’t know where Jan was directing him; to collect the rest of his family and take Harry home for a righteous spanking, he hoped, but the thrill erupted into flames when Harry saw a little nearly-hidden hallway ahead with a sign above it for the toilets. 

There was an “out of order” sign taped onto the door for the large family-sized toilet; Jan snatched it off, slapped it onto the door of the men’s, and pushed it open. It was empty inside, and Harry was suddenly grabbed by the shirt, yanked through, and shoved toward the middle of the room. Even as he stumbled and braced himself on the outside wall of the first stall, hardening rapidly as he watched Jan lock the door, he giggled a little wildly. “Oh, cheers, but I don’t need to pee.”

Jan was on him immediately, pinning him roughly against the stall wall, and Harry’s laughter was immediately devoured by a moan, needy and soft. Jan kissed him so hard that his head bumped the wall behind him, making him whine into Jan’s mouth. 

Pulling away just as abruptly as he’d pounced, Jan went for his own belt, undoing it with jerky, graceless motions. Harry watched, dazed, chest heaving, until Jan grabbed his chin and lifted it so that Harry would meet the fire blazing in his blue eyes. It made his knees weak; he wanted it to consume him. 

“I wish you _were_ wearing a collar,” Jan said softly, “so I could use it to drag you back out to the car, put you over my lap, and spank you with this belt until you learn your lesson.” He leaned in, intoxicatingly close, then tipped his head down, sharply nipping the shell of Harry’s ear. “They’re going to have to invent a new shade of red to describe your ass when we get home, though.”

Harry whimpered, achingly hard, dying to beg for it but knowing that it wouldn’t happen right now no matter how much he did. 

Jan smirked. “You’re right, you don’t control my dick. But I control yours, don’t I?”

Harry took a shaky breath, nodding with small, vehement movements. He looked down at the floor - or more accurately, down at Jan undoing the button of his fly, pulling down the zipper to show a glimpse of his underwear below. “Yes, sir,” Harry breathed. 

Jan shoved his jeans and pants down in one go, and Harry’s mouth watered at the sight of Jan’s dick now standing straight, full and flushed and begging to be worshipped. “And it’s up to me when you get to touch yourself, no?”

“Y-yes, sir.”

“And who decides whether you get to come or not?”

Harry looked at him with wide, pleading eyes, but Jan’s glare went nowhere, and Harry bit his lip, desire coursing through him so intensely that he almost felt dizzy. He looked down again, eyes falling hungrily to Jan’s cock. “You, sir.” 

_“Agenouilles-toi.”_

Harry immediately sank down onto his knees. That was another phrase Jan had taught him. 

Jan took himself in hand, long fingers wrapping around his shaft. Harry’s stomach fluttered in anticipation, but Jan simply began stroking himself, a loose grip on his foreskin sliding it tantalisingly up and down, teasing Harry with peeks at the flushed, glistening head. He settled into a rhythm, and Harry licked his lips, half-mesmerised, longing for the moment that Jan would order him to open his mouth. 

He peeked up hopefully, but Jan narrowed his eyes and shook his head. “Eyes down there, no hands,” he ordered instead. “You only get to watch.” 

Oh, _that_ was just cruel. Sure, he deserved it, but still. 

He did as he was told, though; he watched with longing, lustful eyes as Jan’s hand moved purposefully over his firm flesh. He wasn’t going for finesse or putting on a show; his movements were perfunctory, his hand a blur. He himself, however, was being shockingly impassive. It was so tempting to look up at him, to try to figure out where he was, how close, see his heavy-lidded eyes and the way he was probably gazing down at Harry to make sure that he didn’t do just that. He’d pushed Jan far enough; if he behaved now, maybe Jan would have a little mercy.

After a minute or two - or maybe twenty for all Harry knew; he was kind of distracted - Jan spoke, startling him. “Now close your eyes.” 

_I don’t even get to watch him come?_ This was very effectively making him reconsider being quite that much of a pain in the arse again too soon. 

He clenched his fists behind him, tried to ignore the desperate throbbing between his legs, and did as he was told, though, and he resorted to listening instead, savouring every little hitch of Jan’s breath, the sound of his hand on his dick--

Without a single cue either verbal or otherwise, Jan came all over his face with a gasp. It was a sensation that he knew immediately despite not having been ready for it; just a sudden trickling warmth followed by a long, shuddering breath. Harry wanted to open his mouth, taste Jan even though he hadn’t been told to, but his naughty streak had - for now - been tamed, and he now just badly wanted to be good, to make Jan proud enough that just maybe, he’d let Harry come too. 

Jan caught his breath, then softly said, “Don’t open your eyes yet.” Harry heard him do up his trousers and step away, then a low whirr and the sound of a paper towel ripping away from the machine on the wall. The tap ran for a second, and then Jan was back in front of him. Jan’s light touch on his cheek still made him start, but he immediately relaxed into it - as much as he could relax with this much of a boner, anyway. 

Nothing could stop him from pouting as Jan cleaned the cum off of his face, though. He was bursting with equal parts disappointment and desire, annoyed but undeniably turned on by such deliberate neglect. He longed to at least lick his lips before it was all gone, wanted so badly to taste Jan, to touch him, to please him - but there was no denying that he also loved being punished, and he thrilled at not being allowed to do any of it. 

The cool paper towel took gentle care around his eyes, and then Jan gently caressed his cheek again. “Okay,” he said softly. Harry looked dazedly up at him. Jan had a little smile on his face, a look that Harry loved to pretend no one else in the world had ever seen, an expression he would get when he and Harry would just curl up together in the afterglow; it was something beautiful, with an undercurrent of possessive satisfaction in the ghost of a smirk, but mostly a soft mixture of simple bliss and little surprise, as if he still couldn’t quite believe his luck. 

It made Harry feel so desired, so powerful and special, and yet small, safe, at the same time.

It made him feel like _Jan’s._

Jan held his hands out and Harry took them, letting himself be hauled up to his feet. Jan gave him a look up and down, the critical eye of his Dom taking over the sweet smile of his lover, making him squirm in anticipation. 

“What do you say?” 

“Thank you, sir,” he murmured, as he did and was expected to do any time Jan came on his face. Harry shifted his weight, then dropped his gaze again. “And I’m sorry. I was being obnoxious. I should have stopped when you told me to.”

Jan considered Harry for a long few seconds, then lifted Harry’s chin for a quick kiss and gave his dick a gentle squeeze through his jeans. “Apology accepted. Now, you’re not walking through the library like this. Take care of yourself, clean yourself up.” He picked at the neckline of Harry’s shirt and Harry looked down to realise that there was cum smeared on it. “I’ll be bribing my children so that we can actually leave here some time today.” 

Harry deflated with a pout, but again... yeah, he deserved it. 

When Jan raised an eyebrow at him, though, Harry ducked his head. “I know,” he grumbled, “I brought this on myself.”

Jan smirked, checked himself in the mirror, and winked at Harry before he unlocked the door and left. 

_“Fuck,”_ sighed Harry into the empty room. Not necessarily an upset ‘fuck’, just... _fuck._

He shook his head and grinned to himself, then locked the door and quickly did as he was told. He didn’t spend any longer than necessary; he really just wanted to come so that they could get out of there and back to Jan’s, away from prying eyes. It was a lacklustre orgasm, even with his punishment and the sight of Jan having a casual wank just inches from his face still fresh in his mind, but he didn’t care. He knew Jan would give him an amazing one later to make up for it. 

He washed his hands, tamed his hair, and did his best to scrub at the cum on his collar with a wet paper towel. He’d have a dark, damp spot on his t-shirt, but it was better than the tell-tale streak of white. He gave his face another wash, too, just to be safe, and when he slipped out of the toilets, he moved the “out of order” sign back to its proper door. 

What a morning.


End file.
